I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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