I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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