He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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