he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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