I'm gonna have a badass scar
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
