i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
