God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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