3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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