i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need water and some morals
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
