why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
