he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
