I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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