And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
