Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
