Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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