I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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