I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
