12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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