I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
