I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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