hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
