At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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