We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
