i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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