I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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