Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
