I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
