He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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