I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
