Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize