I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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