Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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