I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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