Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
