Cold hands, warm shart.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
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oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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