Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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