I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
