I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
