I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
