remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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