i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
