if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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