I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
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I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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