I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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