They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
FUCK WHALES
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
