she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
