Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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