Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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