I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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