Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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