Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My ass is underappreciated
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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