I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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