i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
