I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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